The Birth of a Mother (Part One)
Happy Birthday, Baby, and Happy Birthing day, Mama! You guys did it! You and your baby worked together as one to bring him/her earthside.
When I think of the person I was before bringing my son earth-side, I feel like I am reviewing clips from a past life. I am much softer yet stronger, more vulnerable, a lot wiser, less conflicted, and have become undoubtedly selfless. I am brave, patient, kind, and loving without conditions. I am forgiving of those who haven’t asked for my compassion, and present for those who haven’t, yet realized they aren’t present for themselves. I have curated healthy boundaries for spaces I once protected with anger, ego, and condescendence. I am intentional, I am both healing and the healer, and I am actively creating an environment my family and I can emotionally, spiritually, and humanly thrive in. This is not to say that every moment has been easy, but to make note that despite those moments, the end result is always pulling myself together, bossing up, and moving forward with my heart, mind, and lesson intact.
Other than the biological and physical effects, there are so many factors that tie into the initial stages of becoming a mother (adoptive and biological) such as vulnerability, unfamiliarity, expectations, worry, support/partnership, self-esteem/intimacy, career, friendships, and the onion continues to unravel while the lotus blooms, simultaneously. Becoming a new mother (and this is not to discredit fathers) is a transformation that draws a line between life before and after, and I wanted to create a space to acknowledge the new threshold that we bypass when becoming one. The rights of passage.
You Deserve Nurturing Too
After ten months of being pregnant and working throughout it, we are expected to deliver and return to work between six and eight weeks postpartum, depending on the method of delivery, as if creating and birthing a child isn’t taxing enough. This also includes mothers who have experienced complications and may not have had the opportunity to efficiently bond with their child(ren).
It can be too easy to group ourselves into boxes and while the truth of the matter is we all heal and deal differently, one constant variable is that mothers need just as much attention as newborns, because they have been reborn, too. Don’t feel guilty for resting and accepting all of the attention and nurturing that you deserve. You cannot be fully present for your baby if you aren’t present with yourself. Take that time off, let the dirty clothes pile up, and accept the homemade meals from friends and family. You will have a lifetime of constantly finding new ways to better yourself for the overall health of your child. There is a time and place for everything and right now, your time is for healing.
“Snapbacks” Are Not Linear
I am redefining the obsolete term. Society has made it hard to be satisfied with our natural selves. We have adhered to superficiality and expectations can sometimes be unrealistic. I am here to remind us to give thanks to our bodies. They have gotten us through pregnancy, birth, and everything before, after, and in between. Some of us may be dissatisfied with our weight gain, while others, our weight loss. Some of us may experience post-partum depression while others are battling ambivalence six months later. Regardless of what end of the spectrum we fall upon, do it with grace and appreciation. We have created, grown, and nurtured life.
Give yourself the space you need to heal and relate to your new post-baby body. Do not stress yourself and compromise your health and healing to fit into the standard of beauty and sex appeal that society has placed upon women/new moms. The term “snapback” is very broad and equally vague. After having a baby, you should attempt to integrate, but there is no such things as going back. You will never be the same. A portal has been opened within you. You carry a galaxy. That’s an eternal responsibility.
In my opinion, that phrase should be disassociated with physical expectations and relative to the ways in which we care for ourselves during our postpartum stages; resting, paying attention to our needs, mindfulness, connection with nature, and light exercising for harmony and balance, opposed to physical aspirations.
Intimacy Still Lives
Despite what we may feel, becoming a mom has not made us any less sexy. In fact, most mature men find us even more attractive now. That being said, we don’t need to compromise our self-esteem or feel the need to overcompensate based on the adolescent idea that babies prevent intimacy. Having a baby is an act of creation, and the baby will innately serve as a catalyst for many things, including new possibilities for more intimate moments with your partner, as a family. Intimacy is more than sex. On a greater spectrum, intimacy is synonymous with other forms such as spiritual, recreational, emotional, intellectual, and physical. You will find many new ways to be intimate with not only your partner, but yourself, your baby, and even your friends and family.
You are Enough
I will never forget the feeling I had the first time I held my son. It was this immense feeling of joy, love, vulnerability, and protection, combined with, but not triumphed by worry and fear. I could not believe I birthed something so pure and intentional, into a world so diverse and unpredictable. I quickly learned these thoughts were not something I had control over, because I now was responsible for someone other than myself. The tears came without permission. It was at that moment that I realized I had not only given birth to my son, but also to an entirely new sense of self. I now had a new identity and wasn’t sure how well I would fit the role. I knew that I had worked my ass off, trying to heal my childhood trauma but I also wasn’t naïve enough to think that my child wouldn’t somehow still trigger me. I started doubting if I was as ready as my spirit assured me I was. This disconnect caused me to panic even more. Seconds later, I went into what I now realize as mommy mode. I bossed up and got my emotions under control. I telepathically called on the wisdom of my ancestral mothers before me. I was given a glimpse of the birth of a mother, the strength that begins in our wombs, and conformation that as demanding as motherhood was going to be, rising to the occasion was something I’d be spending the rest of my life doing. I assured myself that what’s meant for me will always be for me and that despite my trials and tribulations, I deserved this blessing. We are enough, mamas.